Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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