At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize