youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
how drunk are you?
Several
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
