Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
