Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Randomize