My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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