What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize