Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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