Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
