Just took my morning after pill in the library
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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