you traded sex for a burrito?
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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