You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
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