I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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