matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
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