I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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