What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
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