Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
