At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm like, not good at living.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize