i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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