I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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