I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I lost the right to judge tonight
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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