my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
