Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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