CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
