Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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