im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
