I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
