dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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