...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
