Don't make out with my wife yet
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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