My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize