she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
So many bounce houses so little time
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
