Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
