So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
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