Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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