Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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