U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
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