I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize