it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Randomize
