I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize