i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
