I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
