That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize