Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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