I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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