Dude my mom stole all your condoms
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize