So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Randomize
