NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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