someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
