lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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