theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
