I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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