At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
