you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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