Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
