In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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