I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
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