You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I deserve this hangover.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize