I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I have grass duct taped all over my body
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
