I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Randomize
