not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
