census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
