There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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