A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
