My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
