You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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