no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
