She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
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