guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
she smelled like a LAN party
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
