id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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