dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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