Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I am mentally ready for anal.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
