Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Randomize
