awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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